Marcus Aurelius, "the best revenge is not to be like that"
I believe in this:
- Hard choices, easy life
- Easy choices, hard life
I always question myself whether I am living true to my values, and it overrides everything else. I don't mind facing any kind of hardship in life, as long as I don't compromise my values.
I deal with people who stand in my way in the following way:
1 - People that I have problematic encounters with but I wish to find a peaceful resolution
- I try to understand their perspective
- I try to understand what I can give them, in terms of value, words, my position, etc that would make them feel dignified
- Then at work I usually try to start a conversation on a personal (non-work related topic) on which I have common ground with them, music we both like, a book you've both read, etc, because when we first connect as humans, and then there’s a stronger foundation to deal with the heavy stuff.
- During hard conversations with these people, I open up (and attack them with love), I try to make myself vulnerable but also put my (bold) proposal on the table. Most of the time they won’t (fully) accept it if we have deeper conflicts, but as long as they feel I try to make an effort, a defeat isn’t really a defeat. In case we find common ground, we might find a new friend / collaborator for a life time.
2 - People that I have problematic encounters with but whom I don’t see any chance for peaceful resolution
- When they attack me, I immediately strike back (it’s something my Muay Thai teacher, this kick-ass tiny Dutch lady once taught me). Because you teach them not to attack you, because you emotionally link attacking you with pain for them :)
- The way I attack is almost always (I am not perfect) in a way that other people could read my message and not find faults in it. I think with everything you do, you should do it, as if the whole universe is watching, and if they would they would be on your side. I aim to behave like that. When I pass this filter, I am usually on the right side of things.
- But because on this path engaging with these problematic people is a slippery slope, I try to reflect a lot on it. Usually before I press send on a long message - I ask myself this, “am I going to say this because my ego wants to win?” OR “am I saying this because I am defending myself?”
If the answer is the latter - the goal is that your motivation lies somewhere in the middle between standing-up for yourself AND doing something so you see the person that you dislike suffer. You shouldn't be on the other extreme where you do something where you want someone else to suffer, it's a bad driver.
Then if the opportunity lends itself, you need to give someone a way out, of an argument. Give them an escape path. You throw an olive branch, so they can save face (especially if there are other people involved). There’s nothing worse than fully humiliating someone, because manage to this - they’ll resent you for life - and that’s not going to help you, it will work against you.