A friend said, with how many devs are you building this? Me: 1.5. How experienced? I said I dunno, the senior dev on the project his start-up failed and he's bringing his mid developer onboard. I've spent nearly 3 years on this side hustle and now I am going to build something for 3 months and launch a SaaS. Friend: what if its fails, is there a plan B? Me: no, there's no plan B. Friend: You know that without investment, without co-founders you're playing on ultra hard mode. Me: I know.
A few weeks back I was at my psychologist and we were discussing some traumatic live event. My psychologist said why don't you put the memory of that event in the room where you go when you're alone. I had to laugh. It's a very sacred space, but OKAY I'll do it. Now it's there all the time. The reason why I am mentioning this is because my life consists of mainly suffering for the 5 past years. It's extremely painful, many personal self-growth topics, personal life goals are in the backlog. I don't have a social life, it's just continuation of failure upon failure. However, weirdly I survive and despite all the suffering, the moment I have small wins, they taste sweet, like the sweetest victory.
This week, we pushed a new version of our platform, and it's like coming to live, it's kind of unreal in how satisfying it feels. I feel I've already won, but of course I still need to play the game with many difficult choices ahead, but I can hardly imagine any other future than one where I'll succeed. Why? It just makes sense.
What other things make sense: honesty with oneself at every level. Breaking every insecurity, living a bi-sexual life & facing hardship with your eyes completely open. Why do we avoid pain so much? It's just a natural instinct to avoid pain. When you're hustling and giving it everything, weirdly, you can almost get obsessed with taking in pain.
It's nearly sadomasochistic and I hope I can tone it down as soon as the times will become easier. There's something addictive of going in ice cold baths and facing hard conversations.
I found a note from May 2024:
"Sometimes as a founder you have to eat glass. This is one of those days/weeks. The best way to eat glass is to manage your bleeding, you want to eat in a way you don't bleed too much, yet can take in a lot of glass, that means still chewing, using the friction of the glass the crush the other glass. All in all create a system for making it manageable. Above all, don't stop, keep going. After you get through this hard period, everything will become easier."
My thinking is this, I don't know if it's pride, stupidity or just curiosity, but I want to win in this ultra mode. Because I plan to go really far, it's the most excellent training to mentally achieve the most I can do, as a human being.